Joke of the Day

[CyberDavey]

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy

[T1TTY]

haha that was good

[T1TTY]

FBI Job Opening
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.


"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[T1TTY]

Men who are true heads of their households
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter
Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to
make two lines; one line for the men who were true
heads of their households, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the
women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of
men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly
were heads of their household, there was only one man.


God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I
created you to be the head of your household! You have
been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be
the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[T1TTY]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

[T1TTY]

The world was stunned by the news today of the
death of the ENERGIZER BUNNY. He was six years
old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at
approximately 8:42 PM last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept
going and going and going, "Pinkie", as he was
known to his friends and relatives was alone at
the time of death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this
morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell,
concluded that the cause of death was acute
cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries
in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming,
and coming

[tv for me]

ROFLMAO..henderlee where are you? Too funny T1TTY.

[T1TTY]

Well, it's shit . that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.......
Well, Shit Happens!!!

[T1TTY]

The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year- old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

[T1TTY]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are drop-dead Good Looking and Help with the Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" She exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[T1TTY]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[T1TTY]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed.

[T1TTY]

Morning sex

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Jill004]

All good!
Keep em comin' T1TTY!!

[T1TTY]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words
And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."

[T1TTY]

Papa was on trial for making moonshine whiskey.
A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.
"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.
"No, sir!" said the neighbor.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?" he asked
. "No, sir," said the neighbor.
"Did you ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor
. The young neighbor thought a minute and said, "Wait. Your Honor, are we still talking about whiskey?"

[T1TTY]

A couple was sitting up waiting for their 13 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face. "Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!" His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room. The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it". "That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My butt's too sore.

[T1TTY]

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[T1TTY]

some ppl might not find this funny
but i did LOL

[Jill004]

some ppl might not find this funny
but i did LOL
That poor lady lol

[T1TTY]

Free Porn Site (http://drunkfriends.com/quickies/freesex.html)

:D

[trucker]

thats a good one lol it would drive people wild ...

[steak2]

thanks TITTY , that shit was funny

[CyberDavey]

LOL, was about to have you banned for SPAM....... :icon_psmi

[Jill004]

HeHe....Nice One :cool:

[dadssguy]

I had to hook up a second mouse to corner it......

[T1TTY]

I had to hook up a second mouse to corner it......
u got it did ya haha

[CyberDavey]

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[CyberDavey]

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Canadians/Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians/Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians/Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians/Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians/Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[racinfan29627]

this has been around a while, but it's still fucking hee-lar-ee-us

[WALLY420]

Woman comes home from work, looks up and sees a gorilla on the roof. Calls animal control says there is a gorilla on the roof of my house. Animal control says we will send someone over right away.

A few minutes later a big van pulls up in front of her house a man gets out opens the side door and out jumps the biggest meanest vicious snapping snarling growling dog the woman has ever seen. Then he gets out a big net a .30 30 rifle and ladder off the top of the van.

The man leans the rifle and the ladder up against the house. The man hands the lady the big net. Tells the lady I going to clime up the ladder and push the gorilla off the roof. When the gorilla hits the ground the dog is going to clamp its jaws on the gorillas crotch and hold it down while you throw the net over the gorilla.

The man starts to climb up the ladder. The lady says wait what is the rifle for? The man says that's in case the gorilla pushes me off the roof, you are gonna shoot that F'n dog.

[leeman1]

lol i liked that one

[the1jim]

Finding Jesus



A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down
by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to
the preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready
to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh
tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure
this is where he fell in?"

[the1jim]

Funeral *

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

[Fran]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f___ing beautiful!'"